I’m scared.

I’ve also read that anti-depressants don’t really so shit for thyroid problems so maybe that’s why all of the pills I’m on aren’t working.

@persephone

My mental health/possibly my physical health if this is a thyroid issue/anything that will help me get over this obsessive thinking and doubting and let me get back to living my life with Reid

I am desperate for good spells, charms, prayers, thoughts, and energies sent my way. I don’t care how you do it, I just need all of the supportive well wishing energies sent my way right now. There’s a full moon in a few days, if you could just keep me in mind when going about your spiritual deeds on that night it would be greatly appreciated.

I have so many symptoms of thyroid problems that I am finding so much comfort in because this can be fixed but I keep panicking because what if it’s not my thyroid and it can’t be fixed and I can’t go back to the way things were before I have been sitting in the car for thirty minutes outside of Reid’s work bawling my eyes out because I’m so sick of this and my old therapist keeps trying to use scare tactics on me and they don’t scare me out of it they just scare me further into the obsessive thinking and doubting and I am going fucking crazy.

When you lose your mind, no one knows what to say. And that’s fine but I just want everyone to listen to every single crazy fucking word that comes out of my mouth and assure me that it’s going to be okay. But I won’t believe them. Every time Reid tells me it’s going to be okay, I’m okay for about five seconds before the panic comes back because I’ve started to think of every way that things cannot be okay possible and I feel like I’m going to collapse underneath all of those things. I imagine horrifically sad things, things that I do or say to Reid and I feel so guilty it’s as if I’ve actually done it all and I know I haven’t and I know I don’t want to but my brain convinces me that I will and that I want to and that there’s no escaping it and I can’t hold myself together. I can’t explain anything that’s going on with me. I’m constantly thinking twenty things all at once and all of them are terrible.

I’m constantly reviewing a list in my head of who to call or where to go like my mom or my abuela or my tia or the hospital and I can’t do any of those things. None of those things will make this go away immediately like I want them to.

I just want to be happy with Reid I want to go back why is this happening to me? I don’t know what’s happening to me.

I started a third medication tonight so now I’m taking five pills/three medications.

I was listening to a Radiolab and there was this scientist that studies whales and he said we should stop trying to think of animals as “almost human” or “so close to being human” because it’s insulting. Like, why do we have to think of them as being “so much like us” before we can respect them? What does “being like us” have to do with their intelligence or feelings? Absolutely nothing. 

I’m beginning to trust spiders a little bit more….but not very much. 

I’m going back to Texas on Monday for at least a month. I’m going to an endocrinologist while I’m there to figure out what’s going on. I’m going there because I need my abuela right now. I think part of the OCD is the fact that my mom has been so abusive lately and I’m somehow repressing my love for Reid to protect myself from getting hurt and the other part of it being so severe is chemicals since I’m on my period and I just started another new birth control. I’m worried it’s my thyroid because it’s getting to the point where I’m not sleeping without Benadryl or eating or showering. I don’t want to die I just don’t want to exist.